Tag Archives: dating

On Chivalry

Over the weekend, I was at my favorite sausage and gin joint and got involved in an animated discussion with my bartender friend (a lady) and Guy at the Bar. We were discussing who should pay on a first date. All three of us agreed that the dude should pay. Lady bartender and I agreed that the woman should always do the reach and/or offer but that a gentleman should not concede. I mean, I will back up my offer if allowed to do so, but chances are, unless you are my unicorn, we will probably not have a second date. It’s not about the money, it’s about the gesture and, in my experience, a pattern of behavior to come. With the caveat: if the girl is being rude and/or the date is a total disaster, both parties have the right to say “let’s split this?” I have offered to split the tab when I do not want to see someone again. But the honest truth is that ladies (in general; I wear pretty much the same makeup no matter where I am going because it’s the only kind I know how to do) spend 10x the cost of a coffee or drink getting gussied up for a date. Not to mention that putting on makeup is kind of a pain:

*As an aside: Guy at the Bar insisted on buying me a cocktail (it was 2pm on a Sunday but what the hell) and then asked me out. He was physically attractive, but there will be no date because he was way too young; I draw the line at 32 35 these days. God forbid I be labeled a cougar (or as my friend I says, “puma,” a slightly younger cougar). Plus, he pulled a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, to the point where I thought he most likely was on something; not that one has to be high on drugs to ask me out. At least I hope not. But because after my friend F arrived to join us, he clammed up and actually moved down to the very end of the bar. F joked that she was man repellent but I’m 95% sure his cocaine/speed just wore off. Unfortunately, when I am put on the spot, I don’t know how to not give out my number. I didn’t learn from onlybadchi’s experience…

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Pretty Lame

You’re pretty funny for a girl.

You’re pretty tall for an Asian girl.

You’re pretty outspoken for an Asian girl.

You’re pretty for a doctor.

You’re pretty for an Asian.

I’m never sure how to respond to such statements. Usually I just bite my tongue and say thanks with a tiny pinch of sarcasm thrown in. Unless I am slightly inebriated, in which case: good luck to you, sir.

I dated a guy in college who told me that while I wasn’t the prettiest girl he could date, he picked me anyway because I was the “best overall.” As he told me this, his face lit up excitedly like a Golden Retriever puppy, as though I would be equally excited to hear this.

My most recent ex confessed to me one day (looking back, it was the beginnings of the end) that he had really been looking to date someone 5-8 years younger than me (presumably because of my waning window of fertility) but that because I was “super awesome” (he speaks surfer) he thought what-the-hell and decided to be with me anyway. Actually, what he said, verbatim:

Ex: But because you are super awesome, I thought I’d snatch you up…or you might not get the chance!!! (referring to my chances of procreating)

Me: …

I did not see that coming. Silly me, I had expected, oh, I don’t know, something to the tune of: “…I thought I’d snatch you up…before someone else did!!!” In the moment, I had no response because I was sort of dumbfounded. The next day, however, I couldn’t shake the feeling that on some level, he really did feel he was doing me a favor. That’s not a great feeling.

I don’t like to generalize, but these types of compliments are almost always from men. I know that they don’t mean any harm, but the extent to which they think a lady would be thrilled to hear these declarations might actually be more disappointing (watch this video). Ladies, for example, do not give backhanded compliments accidentally—when they are handed out, it’s usually with claws out, hoops off, and a side of death stare. You know where you stand. (“OMG! Love your bangs. They totally make your face look smaller!!!”)

My advice? If you are about to compliment a lady (or anyone for that matter) but your compliment contains a clause of any sort…just keep it to yourself. Because I’d rather be “average in general” than be “best of the…meh.” Nor do I feel like deciphering what your comment really says about you or about me.

Besides, if I really need an ego boost, I can call up my mom or my BFF to hear them tell me the truth: that I am super awesome :)

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