Tag Archives: life

Unbelievably Grateful


This quote has a permanent place on my fridge to remind me to be grateful of what I have and not to get caught up in what I still want (air quotes) and do not currently have. It reminds me that there is a big difference between “wants” and “needs.”

I have dealt with depression before (most recently, the entirety of 2014, which I refer to as the Missing Year because I was missing from my own life and the lives of those I love and care about). Suffice it to say that for months on end, I was only able to sleep 3-4 hours per night. And sometimes, as I was finally falling asleep, I wished that I wouldn’t wake up. Not because I wanted to die, but because I didn’t know if I could get through another day feeling the way I was feeling.

Yesterday, I was running along a favorite path that I hadn’t been to in a while. The sun was shining, it was 80 degrees out (a big apology for mentioning this to all East Coasters and Midwesterners) and I was running faster than my usual pace.  I do not listen to music when I run. Partly because when I am not depressed, I value my life and don’t want to be surprised by traffic, but partly so I have time to think or just listen to my breath or feet hitting the ground. It’s probably the closest I get to meditation. Yesterday, the thought crossed my mind: even if nothing in my life changed from how it is right now, I would be okay with it. In fact, more than okay. I am happy right here, right now. And for my friends who saw me through 2014, they know how this is nothing short of a miracle. And how incredibly grateful I am to have been restored to myself.

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Personal Bests

Props to this lady who gets to check off the 4th box today! Awesome. I wished I had a Sharpie with me.

Props to this lady who gets to check off the 4th box today! Awesome. I wished I had a Sharpie with me.

One of the things I love about running (other than allowing me to eat tasty high calorie foods with wild abandon) is that it is an individual and group sport…at the same time. Most of the runners I know aren’t running to beat other people, they are running to beat themselves. Reaching towards your goal alongside others doing the same creates a certain energy in the air. I recently joined a running group at the urging of my friend S. I was reluctant but walked by a sign for a group sponsored by a local running shoe store that is jogging distance from my house. In LA, if you want to do anything during rush hour (basically 7a-10a, and/or 12p-7p), this can be a crucial factor. I decided to try it out and after a few weeks, I was a convert. Even though I am usually at the back of the pack and sometimes run by myself for stretches, I am not running alone. Therein lies the difference. We start as a group and end as a group, hydrating and chatting after the last runner has come in; sometimes there are even raffles. Running with the fast kids usually shaves 20 seconds off my regular solo mile pace–I’m usually trying to hustle back to the store so I don’t miss the raffle!

Today, I was trying to best my 10K PR in the LA Chinatown Firecracker 10K.  I missed my mark by 40 seconds but I couldn’t help thinking that a year ago, running this race seemed impossible, physically and mentally. So to be out there again with S, in perfect running weather, enjoying Elysian Park, was a personal best. And just about 10K times better than forty seconds.

Oh and S, if you’re reading this, next time I will NOT let you confiscate my Garmin! You owe me another 10K :)

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Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

On the way home from work, I was sitting at a red light, at least six cars from the intersection. We had been stopped for about a minute when BOOM, I got rear-ended. It was so loud that the driver of the car in front of me got out to check if I had hit her car (I hadn’t) and so jarring that a light came on saying “Airbag Malfunction” (not exactly reassuring) and the passenger side mirror came off its post, attached only by wires, like a severed finger hanging on by a few tendons. Once the initial shock wore off, I thought WTF?!? I hate confrontation, but I was bracing myself to ask, “What were you thinking?!?”  The other driver was immediately apologetic. He had sad eyes.

Driver: I am so, so sorry.

Me: It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, but it happens.

D: I am so sorry, I am having the worst day. I can’t believe it. I am so sorry my bad day has now affected you.

After establishing that neither of us was injured and exchanging some basic information, he admitted that his head was somewhere else and that he had been staring at the sunset in the distance.

Me: Is everything okay?

D: I’m getting a divorce.

The look on his face said that this was a very, very recent decision. And maybe not his choice.

I tried to make him feel better by remarking that I had been procrastinating on having some cosmetic fixes done on my bumper and now I would get a brand new one! Last year, my car was hit while parked, no note left except for a long scratch along the right side of the bumper. At the time, damage to a material item was so far down on my list of priorities (1. Get through day. 2. Get through day. 3. Get through day. You get the idea.) that I never called the insurance company or even bothered to write down the date it happened. The driver continued apologizing about the inconvenience this would cause me and I continued saying, shit happens. Because it’s the truth. If there are any redeeming qualities of having recently emerged from a really shitty year, it’s that it makes you more empathetic to others. It also allows one to truly appreciate the vast differences between an inconvenience, having a crappy day, and feeling like your life as you know it has turned to shit. I really hope he has a better day tomorrow.

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